Silliness and laughter is such a wonderful thing when it happens spontaneously. There is no age limit or barrier checking you at the door. It releases chemicals (endorphins) in your brain that make you feel wonderful from the inside out. It is scientifically proven that laughter is the best medicine when you are feeling stressed or down and out. Being of an age that does things to your body, sometimes, just isn’t funny at all. But then again yes it is. I will talk about a few things that are probably considered taboo by most women just because it is so embarrassing. Ill take one for the team……
About the time you hit fifty there are noticeable changes in your body that you have fought against throughout your forties, keep fighting ladies because nature loves the snowball effect.
Leakage: Better known as bladder control; If you have had children this side effect of aging does worsen but from talking to women that never gave birth, happens anyway. A sudden cough or sneeze that occurs before you can tighten the muscles or pull the knees in-Squirt. yup, there go the good pannies for the day. Laughing to hard-Squirt Squirt. Jumping or skipping with the grand kids-Squirt Squirt Squirt-which by the way, they find hysterical as you run to the house holding your lady parts. I had very large babies so the universe uses that to its advantage when it needs a good laugh. Pee happens. its part of life (as least mine now) so why fight it. It is what it is. Most of my friends and sisters have the same issues (however they may not be as open about it so don’t tell them I told). When we are together we laugh about the situation because its funny, albeit, horrifyingly funny when your in public but non the less funny.
Flatulence: Better known as the “Old lady walkin’ farts”. This comes wrapped with the gift of Menopause. Yea, I’m going there ladies. This is something that no woman wants to do in front of others, especially men, unless of course you have become immune to the stigma, as I have, that goes along with this bodily function. Every husband that goes to the supermarket with his wife, lets one rip down the aisle as you push the cart leaving mass destruction behind for every person within a 10 foot radius which is deemed acceptable and funny. Well, it happens to women as they begin to age too you know, this right is not exclusive just to men (except the mass destruction part, that is!). The mornings are the best for releasing the Gatling Gun effect. Every step someone is ducking for cover. A quick run up the steps and the cat takes off. Jumping up to reach something on the high shelf at a store and eyes pop out of the heads of those standing around you when a fog horn is released as you land. The best is when you bend over and the accordion effect happens to your new middle aged mid-section immediately releasing a pressure valve with no emergency shut off switch. You just freeze till its over and pray for the best when you turn around to see who and how much they heard. Yea, Menopause is hysterical right!?
Constipation: There is a reason the “little pink pill” was created. Again, age has grabbed hold of something else in our bodies, the digestive system. Men don’t seem to understand this issue women struggle with on (frequent) occasions. This body function is a right of passage that is shared and talked about as a badge of honor and bragging rights among the male population. “Hey, come look at this one, wow its a hum-dinger double flusher!” or they leave the floaters for us incase we didn’t see it the first time. Yea, like we want to admire something we pray to do each day. When over the counter assistance is needed, there is no shortage on product. The only draw back using such products are if and when it decides to kick in. You must plan your day around the timing, which usually doesn’t go as planned. Someone is usually hogging the bathroom; You are in aisle 6 and the rest room is at the far corner of store and then you inevitably run into a chatty cathy praying to the mercy of God the seal doesn’t blow; You are trapped in line waiting for the longest train in the country to pass; or you make it to the rest room but have to run back to counter for the key that is being held by a young pimple faced bubble blowing teenager that has no idea the fate that awaits her while she smirks the whole time slowly handing over the block of wood with the golden key hanging from the attached chain! Never take the phrase “Shit happens” lightly around women of age.
Hormone imbalance: Affectionately known as “the Crazies” Your emotions are all over the place while your body and mind are adjusting to the new changes taking place. Men go through this too but it is affectionately known as a mid life crisis. (yes that’s fair-no offense to men). It almost feels like you are that insecure girl again hitting puberty for the first time. One minute you are fine then the next you are crying uncontrollably because of a stupid dog food commercial or you want to claw someone’s eyes out because they said your hair looks nice (the new grey hair sprouting all over btw). You have no idea what is wrong and by god no one should ask either, not without a safe distance striking zone. Again, there are lots of remedies out there to help you transition to the other side of the child-bearing years but nothing fully helps except laughter with those that understand and walk in the same mis-fitted shoes.
Hot Flash: You have never stripped down faster then when you are having one of these. You do not care who is in the room and by god they better not touch the fan or thermostat on you. It is like you are burning from the inside out. It is like hot lava’s pouring through your veins and the clothes you’re wearing are the anti-Christ. It can strike anywhere at any time, usually in a place where stripping down to the bear minimum is frowned upon, like for instance, waiting in line at the grocery store wedged between two overflowing carts belonging to young women with sticky faced kids screaming staring at you while you strip trying to juggle your coupons, keys, purse, grocery list and the rag mag you grabbed from the rack to use as a fan. Oh and sometimes for fun, while this is happening, the universe will squeeze your bladder at the same time making you drop your fan so when you bend over a valve releases……which will amazingly open the line for you to exit with your head held high knowing what is waiting for these beautiful young mothers staring appallingly at you as they grab their bundle of booger faced joy-that has just announced “that lady just farted mommy”
Hair growth: Facial hair would be wonderful if it stayed on your eye brows or lashes instead of spouting on your chin and upper lip. My granddaughter pointed out to me recently that she would pluck my chin hair if I wanted. After I suppressed the urge to strike, I ran to the mirror. Oh joy, I have been walking around with several half inch long black chin hairs for I don’t know how long (and why isn’t THAT hair grey). So now all the young children in my life feel it is their obligation to help me with my beauty up keep, hence, plucking my newly acquired facial hair. I have a receding grey hairline now that is more noticeable by the day. I’m afraid to dye it because the chemicals might make more of it fall out. However, Nair facial hair removal was introduced to me by my daughter as a gift. Aaahhhh, the blissful gifts of aging never end. A bottle of wine accompanied with the Nair would have made everything wash down better.
The point of revealing all this information is simply this….Laugh at life because the alternative is to cry. Life will not stop because you don’t like what is happening. You can not control it so laugh and laugh with someone you love or laugh at them, either way, laughter will make it all better! There is life after leakage…..