A Roller Coaster Ride

One day it is either:

IMG_5166
early 1970’s

“I don’t know your name” or “Hey it’s just dear old dad calling”

“Why is this happening” or “I don’t have it as bad as others”

“Find a doctor to fix me” or “Doctors say it’s all from the stroke”

“Why won’t he take me home” or “Mom and Fuzz will be waiting”

…Some days he mumbles incoherently trying to say what he needs or telling a story. Other days he is articulate and aware.

…Some days he is confused and muddled when trying to do normal daily routines. Other days he is accurate and focused.

…Some days he understands his situation is from the strokes and normal aging. Other days his frustration and struggle to understand is so painful to watch.

…Some days he wants to go fishing, feed horses or just get out of his chair. Other days he just wants to die.

…Some days I wish he would go to sleep and not wake, so he will be at peace with his mother and brother. Other days I love that I can help him or tease him or share a story or tell him a secret.

…Everyday my heart aches knowing he is aware of what is happening to his mind and body.

…Everyday I know I will miss him when this journey is over.

…Everyday I see him I say “I love you” because tomorrow is always uncertain.

…Every time I am closing his door to go home he will raise his good hand and say “I love you”

Every day I wonder if I will be lucky enough to have those be his last words to me…

 

6 Comments

  1. geezer94 says:

    Wow … been there, done that. Lots of memories brought back to the surface. 24/7 caregiver, until you experience it personally… it is a loving task beyond adequate explaination. Thanks for sharing. g

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand some of the raw emotion you feel. My granny had a stroke and the Dementia was bad. She didn’t want to live, it was heart breaking. I miss her so much but glad she is at peace. Sending blessings your way. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Noellie says:

      Thank you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Renee Espriu says:

    A very touching write that I understand all to well. My own father struggles with dementia and initially he got very frustrated as he knew but didn’t know what was happening. Now, if he is well rested, our conversations are a little more here than somewhere else in his mind. If not, I am patient to answer a question he might ask several times in the course of ten minutes. It is difficult as I only see him when I can make the trip to California from where I live in Washington and every time I wonder if it will be the last time I see him. There are times when his sense of humor shines and I say to myself, “he’s still in there” and those are the times I cherish most. Your father is stronger than he realizes and I hope for you both that he has more days that shine and less that are frustrating and puzzling. I hope for you both many more days to come of sharing your love for one another. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Noellie says:

      Thank you for sharing something so personal and wonderful. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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